So things are pretty fast paced right now...got some ideas floatin around in my head right now...really nervous about them....thats some major responsibility that I would be takin on..and I am so not qualified to lead that sort of thing...how would I do that, who would I talk to, to start sometihng like that?

I want to start a prayer group (maybe a bible study) in and for the athletic department.....yikes!

Pray..that's all I can say...

"I must go thru the valley, to stand upon the mountain of God"

That statement is SOOOO true! so today I got to go to morning church for the 1st time in like 6 months and it was AMAZING!! It was so good to be back with fellow christians and praise Jesus. Well I took amy to church with me today, and while we were at college lunch afterward, she informs me that Abby (another freshmen on the team) is a Jesus-Loving Christian!!! and thats when I was like....Whao....you've got to be kidding. but she wasnt kidding, and Im so glad that she wasnt. 2....there is 2 of them!!! Christmas came early..... X's 2!!!

So now I am just worried that I need to be an example for these 2 wonderful christian girls that have been put in my life. I feel like because I am older and have 2 years of experience under my belt that I should be the one to look out for them and take care of them. I know things that they are gonna have to know, only they can find out the easy way instead of the way I did, which was, of course, the hard way.

Its been a really lonely 2 years, and i dont want them to have to feel the way that I felt, or do some of the things that I did.......

....(ding!) I just had a thought....is this why God put me here? Did He put me here for these girls? Did He put my here so I could watch over them and guide them because they have a great task ahead of them to do for God, that requires help?

Oh my God, forgive me for my unbelief. Forgive me for endlessly questioning your plan. Forgive me for not trusting in you, and thinking that I know better than you do. Forgive me for not having patience in your plan, and thinking that my timeline is better. I have acted shamefully. You never give someone more than they can handle

"Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord, as we wait upon the Lord. You are the everlasting God."

Ive got nothing left, alright. Im starting all over. I just want a fresh beginning. Is that so much to ask for? Gosh, I dont know how to deal with all of this anymore. I cant handle any more stress in my life right now, or EVER for that matter.  Im just too stressed out to care anymore. I dont have a heart anymore, but I do have a soul and it belongs to Jesus and I just want to be with Him right now. Im sick of my apathetic life and I want to genuinely care about something again.

The best way I know how to describe what Im gonna do next can be read in the song "starting over" by audio adrenaline...its one of my favorites, and it pretty much says it all.

Im out...

2 questions....

1. How did I get here?

I am looking at my life right now and I am just shocked. How has everything come down to this? How is it that I have no heart anymore. I didnt used to be like this, I am not the happy person that I used to be. Im cold, mean, cynical, apathetic, unconcerned with others feelings (especially Christ's) . I dont understand how my freshman year I was so completly on fire for God and was ready to do anything. I talked to God everyday, while I was walking to class, before I went to bed, when I woke up, when I was at practice. Everywhere. But now is not the case. Im running around with no direction whatsoever.  and what sucks is that I never saw this happening. Ive slidden so far from where I used to be. I found it easier to be quiet and compromise my beliefs. There in lies the problem, that is how I got here...

now,

2. Where do I go from here?

What are the steps that you take to get back into Christ's arms? How to I get back to that point where my everythought had something to do with God. Well, just as I slid over to the wrong side of the fence gradually I think that is the way that I will have to get back where I need to be. You cant become a superchristian overnight..

thats all I have for tonight, my life's a mess right now...

Still Completly Incomplete...Thats the best way that I know how to say it...

...Found out that Amy is a christian this weekend...dont forget taht...God is good....now you have help..."two is better than one"...yea, folks, that came from the Bible first...